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Yesterday I held my girl in my arms and rocked her to sleep.
This may not sound like anything out of the ordinary, but it has been months, perhaps even a year since she has actually fallen asleep in my arms. Not much of a snuggler.
So I cherish the moments when she lets me hold her and I can just look at her face and try to memorize every soft little curve.
I know many young moms start to worry when they are expecting a second child that they won't be able to love the second baby as much as they love their first. I can understand that. It seems almost impossible to feel to same depth and intensity of emotion for more than one child at a time.
But I don't worry about that. I'm more concerned about the opposite. I'm afraid that, out of mere default, this new baby will come into my life and need all my time and I won't be able to have the tender moments with my first baby anymore. I'm afraid the sweetness and the endearing helplessness of a newborn will take up so much room in my life that there won't be as much room for Amelia. I'm afraid of losing my girl.
For more than two years this sweet baby (second only to her Daddy, and maybe the occasional particularly divine piece of European chocolate) has been the gravitational center of my own personal universe. How can my heart not break at the prospect of relegating "Amelia Time" to the moments when I'm not either busy caring for an infant or too exhausted to move?
I feel as if I'm gaining one baby and losing another.
All you sage and experienced people, please say I'm being irrational. Please say this is a ridiculous fear and that nothing will change between my Babydoll and me. Please say she won't resent me, or worse, stop needing and wanting my attention when I have less of myself to give her.
But even if you say all these things I'm not sure I'll believe you. Not until I see it for myself.
4 comments:
Well Charlotte, it's nice to know you're human. You don't usually worry about these things, but I think it is a completely natural fear. I hope you keep this post and show it to her when she's older so she knows how much she meant to you, especially at this point in her life. And I say that you just make sure that Amelia shares a big part in taking care of the baby! but I'm sure you were already planning on that.
I don't have any experience or advice in the baby department let alone baby number 2, but I wanted to tell you how awesome your announcement idea was! How clever to have the tech write it down and tell everyone at once. So great! I know you will be an awesome mom of two!
That's so funny...the other morning Jesse and I were cuddling with the baby before Addie got up, and I said, "Yeah, remember how we didn't think we could love another kid as much as Addie?" :)
I know what you mean about losing a baby, though. But when I left the hospital with baby #2, a nurse said to me, "If you want your little girl to love her little brother, make sure to take care of her first." So that's kind of been our rule. We tend to think that because a baby is pretty demanding, that they have to come first. Truthfully, the baby won't hold it against you (or remember) if she has to wait a few extra minutes before eating or being soothed. A toddler might, however. :) Of course, it's not always possible, but using that as a rule of thumb has helped me to feel like I haven't lost my Addie, or help her feel like she hasn't lost me. Then, of course, once you see your girls play together, it'll all be worth it!
Charlotte, you're being irrational.
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