Happy (Belated) Father's Day

To this guy in particular:

As you can see, the Babes is crazy about you,

And so am I. Thanks for being the best Daddy a girl (and a Mama) could ask for.

Champagne Taste

But I'm afraid we'll be living on a beer budget.

As our move to the city draws ever closer (and perhaps as my nesting instinct begins to chafe in the back of my consciousness) I find myself spending more and more time shopping for the perfect everything for our new apartment.

It only makes sense, because you see, we're getting rid of a lot of our furniture before we move. The couches are too big to bring with us (there's no way we're getting those beasts up four narrow flights of stairs, let alone finding a place to park them once in the apartment) Pete's desk is also too bulky and heavy to be practical, and our dining set has outlived it's welcome in this life. Not to mention that all our linens are five years old now and well ready to be retired. So really, we need to refresh our home furnishings collection.

This is where the problem comes in. My philosophy is this; if we have to buy new furniture and linens, we might as well invest in pieces we love and want to keep forever. Like these:

Definitely an investment at just a shade under 4 grand, but well worth it. Can you even imagine the family photos we could take on this gorgeous sofette?!

Only $2,000 for the privilege of sleeping in a bed this unique and inspiring every night!

How can you not feel like you're at the spa in a bathroom decked out like this?! I think it was somewhere in the neighborhood of $108.

My sweet angel husband's thoughts are these; we have a young family and limited space and resources. We should buy inexpensive furnishings that meet our needs and we won't be devastated if they get "well used" by our kids. We can get really nice furniture someday when we have a house to put it in and more money to buy it with.

His idea of the way we should furnish our home looks more like this:

Ikea, $699. Actually, he'd probably go for a fabric version that's even cheaper.

We bought this bed from the couple leaving our apartment, the split queen box spring included, for $100. Also Ikea originally.

Ikea again. I think this one was $12.99.

And this doesn't even touch the debate about what to get the for baby to sleep in. We're planning on converting Amelia's crib into a toddler bed, (yes, my two-and-a-half-year-old still sleeps in a crib. It just keeps her too well confined at night and nap times for me to willingly give it up just yet) so Babygirl 2 needs a new bed. I've been dreaming of this one for months:

An instant heirloom and a steal at only $549.00 on sale!

Pete favors this option:

Ikea for $99. (In all fairness, Pete didn't actually pick this out, he's just more comfortable with the price range).

So what's a girl to do? I guess this is what people mean when they talk rubbish about "compromise in marriage," and "living like college students after graduation," and all that type of rot.

But maybe compromise means I can still have at least one really nice piece that I adore? Maybe???

Amelia

Yesterday I held my girl in my arms and rocked her to sleep.

This may not sound like anything out of the ordinary, but it has been months, perhaps even a year since she has actually fallen asleep in my arms. Not much of a snuggler.

So I cherish the moments when she lets me hold her and I can just look at her face and try to memorize every soft little curve.

I know many young moms start to worry when they are expecting a second child that they won't be able to love the second baby as much as they love their first. I can understand that. It seems almost impossible to feel to same depth and intensity of emotion for more than one child at a time.

But I don't worry about that. I'm more concerned about the opposite. I'm afraid that, out of mere default, this new baby will come into my life and need all my time and I won't be able to have the tender moments with my first baby anymore. I'm afraid the sweetness and the endearing helplessness of a newborn will take up so much room in my life that there won't be as much room for Amelia. I'm afraid of losing my girl.

For more than two years this sweet baby (second only to her Daddy, and maybe the occasional particularly divine piece of European chocolate) has been the gravitational center of my own personal universe. How can my heart not break at the prospect of relegating "Amelia Time" to the moments when I'm not either busy caring for an infant or too exhausted to move?

I feel as if I'm gaining one baby and losing another.

All you sage and experienced people, please say I'm being irrational. Please say this is a ridiculous fear and that nothing will change between my Babydoll and me. Please say she won't resent me, or worse, stop needing and wanting my attention when I have less of myself to give her.

But even if you say all these things I'm not sure I'll believe you. Not until I see it for myself.

The Celebrating Begins

On Friday I went in for my ultrasound and to find out the gender of our baby. I guess I should say we went in for my ultrasound; Peter, Amelia and I. It was a family affair. But this time around I wanted things to be a bit different. Instead of lying on the table and having the ultrasound technician say, “It’s a _______,” which I felt was a little anticlimactic for an announcement that changes my entire life, I wanted to make a bigger deal of the whole experience. In fact, I wanted to turn it into a celebration.

So Pete and I decided not to have the tech tell us the baby’s gender. Instead, we had her write it down on a card and seal it in an envelope. (She warned us when to close our eyes during the ultrasound so as to maintain the surprise.) Then we took the envelope to a local baby boutique and Pete chose out a pair of baby boy shoes and I chose a pair of girl shoes. We made sure the boxes were the same size and shape. We then took the shoes and the envelope up to the girl at the register and asked her to open the envelope and ring up the appropriate pair of shoes and giftwrap them for us without us seeing which shoes won.

That evening, Pete and I had our parents and my brother and sister come over for an announcement party. They were all there as we opened the gift and found out whom to expect to arrive in October (aside from Moms, sisters and Relief Society ladies).

Here’s the video (please pardon the squealing. It’s a McKinlay thing):

BIg News from Charlotte Tidwell on Vimeo.

I am excited to have another girl. I simply couldn't be happier. Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Isn't it?

But even though most of my heart is rejoicing for this new little girl to come into our lives, there is a small but very real part of my heart that is mourning for the loss of the baby boy of my dreams. (Not my literal dreams--I haven't had any visitations in my sleep. Just to clarify).

I just mean that I was the teensiest bit hoping for a boy. Maybe just to have a completely new experience. Maybe because I know how badly Pete wants a son. Maybe because I come from a family of mostly girls and part of me wanted assurance that I will have a son on this side of the grave. I don't know.

But I do know I'll get over it long before this girl is here and that I'll feel nothing but adoration when I see her. It's part of my plan. You know, my plan for a more emotionally connected and conscientious birth experience. The one that will make me a calmer, more loving and in control mom during those first postpartum weeks. Probably.

So.

Thus begins the shopping. There's nothing like shopping baby girl clothes to eradicate any wistful thoughts of baby boys that can wait their turn!